Don't Smother Verbs in Haiku Writing プレバトを見て－英語と俳句は似ている？

Japanese follows English.　英語の後に日本語が続きます。

Hurricane lilies, a haiku season word for autumn

As a translator, I often write in English and read books about how to write concisely. Two tips I always share with others are:

- Avoid negative sentences; and 

- Use active voice.

They are easy to start with, particularly the second one for Japanese, who generally prefer passive voice to avoid straightforwardness. 

But my favorite tip for plain writing is "Don't smother verbs" and I've recently learned when watching a Japanese TV show "Pre Bato" that this also applies to haiku writing.

Here is an example for Japanese speakers of a smothered verb in an English sentence. I'm sure that they can see the second sentence clearer and simpler than the first!

Call a stop to this nonsense.

Stop this nonsense.

Then, the following is an example for non-Japanese speakers of a smothered verb (the underlined part) in a haiku:

(1) Original　人生の　お守りとなり　曼珠沙華

Hurricane lilies, as maintainers of graves,
watch over us.

⇩　

(2) After editing　人生を　守り墓守もる　曼珠沙華

Hurricane lilies
maintain graves and watch over us.

Sorry for this poor translation... It's so difficult to translate haiku poems. But you can see what I mean, can't you? The term "お守り" in (1), a noun (i.e., maintainer), was changed to its verb form of "maintain" by the haiku master of the show. Both English and haiku writers should avoid smothered verbs, but this made me wonder why other Japanese writings and speeches, e.g., government regulations and politicians' comments, are so vague and obscure......

Hurricane lilies are ominous in Japan because, according to Wikipedia, they usually bloom near cemeteries around the autumnal equinox and are said to grow in Hell and guide the dead into the next reincarnation. But they are so beautiful that "hurricane lily" is a haiku season word (季語 [kigo]) for autumn.

プレバトの俳句見てていつも思うのですが、英文ライティングと俳句は似てます。両方とも、無駄な言葉使いがとても嫌がられます。

英文ライティングについていつも私が言っているのは、
- 肯定形で書く
- 能動体で書く

なのですが、実は一番好きなコツは「名詞でなく動詞で書く」です。先日、IKKOさんの作った俳句もなっちゃん先生に次のように直されました。

原文　　人生の　お守りとなり　曼珠沙華
　　　　　　　　　⇩　

添削後　人生を　守り墓守もる　曼珠沙華

「お守り」という名詞が「守る」という動詞に変えられました。英文ライティングも同じです。例えば、

Call a stop to this nonsense.　ではなく、

Stop this nonsense.　

と書きましょう、といった具合です。いちいち「call a stop」なんて名詞（stop）で書かずに動詞の「stop」でいいわけです。（いい意味で）効率化され、無駄がなくなります。

ところで、俳句はこんなにすっきりを目指しているのに、政治家の話す日本語と役所の書く日本語って、どうしてあんなに曖昧かつ意味不明なのでしょう。聞いていて「こりゃあ訳せんな」と嫌になることがよくあります｡｡｡