Reason for Starting Blog - De-Imprinting ブログを始めた理由－脱刷り込み

Japanese follows English. 英語の後に日本語が続きます。

She doesn't remember when she started to feel uncomfortable to see her parents. As far as she remembers, it's been always like this and she might just be unaware of it because unconsciously she didn't admit that she was a “loser” according to their values. Their values are; men are superior to women; the younger and prettier women are, the more valuable they are; women should not be talkative or assertive; women must be responsible for doing household chores; people should get married and have children; family comes first; don’t marry a black or a Korean……

When she started to see them less often, she was told that if she wanted to remain to be a family member, she had to behave like that, i.e., she always had to come to family gatherings and cook while men eating because she is a woman. Also, if she felt offended by derogatory remarks related to age, gender, job, income, etc., this was because she was weak and inferior. She tried to come up with nice excuses to keep a distance from them without confronting them. But she couldn't and, to make matters worse, she herself had a sense of guilt that something was wrong with her if she couldn't love such hard-working parents. After all, she was born to such parents and had been imbued with their values.

But she knew deep down that she was more scared of another thing. If she had kept seeing them, she also would be like them and would judge and classify herself as someone of a lower class and marginalize herself. She still cherishes good memories of them and feels strong attachment to them, but she loves them in her memory, not in actual life. Currently, she works hard to compartmentalize such emotional attachment to parents, because she now logically understands that such attachment arises from nothing but imprinted images by them and doesn't need to rationalize it. She is ready to explore and live her own life based on her own values. This blog is a tool to record and analyze the process of the analysis and her growth as an individual.

いつ頃からか、彼女は親といることが苦痛になった。会う回数を減らしたら、今度はそれを責められた。他人となら切ることができても、親子関係は切れないから難しい。嫌っていることを彼らに理解させることはさすがに酷に思えた。それに彼女自身も親を好きになれない自分に罪の意識を感じていた。

彼らは真面目で善良な市民だ。それは彼女も分かっている。定年まで働き、自分を育ててくれた。そういう姿だけを記憶に残しておきたかった。「結婚して、子供を産んで初めて人は一人前」、「子供がいない女には母性がない」、「黒人や韓国人とは結婚するな」と言われたことは忘れたかった。なのに、それらは彼女の心の中に残り続けた。それらの言葉がいつか自分に向かってくることを予感していたのかもしれない。　　

自分と違う考えを持つ人を馬鹿といって切り捨てるのは楽そうで、うらやましいほどだった。でも、やはり、それは彼女に向かってきた。彼女は逃げた。親じゃなかったらとっくに関係を断っていた。

でも、一番怖かったのは、逃げてなければ、彼女自身も同じような言葉を他人に吐いていたかもしれないということだった。

両親は老いている。変わらなければならないのは彼女だった。親の言動に一喜一憂しているということは、彼女自身に問題があるのだ。そんな簡単なことに初めて気が付いた。

社会のはじっこで彼女は自分の一歩を踏み出した。自分の人生を生きるために。これは、そんな経緯で始まったブログだ。